“Ugh, we barely made it! The heat is unreal. How do you people live like this?” Gennady—the hostess’s cousin—grunted, squeezing massive suitcases into the hallway. His wife, Tamara, followed close behind.
“I don’t understand. Where… where did you come from?” asked Anton. He had been home alone and was caught completely off guard when he opened the door.
“Why the long face? Antokha, that’s no way to greet guests. Yeah, sure, we didn’t give you a heads-up that we were coming. But that’s just how it worked out. My bad, bro,” Gennady continued breezily.
“What do you mean ‘where’? From home, obviously!” Tamara chimed in with a dry joke. “All the hotels are booked up, and they’re expensive anyway. Everyone wants to be by the ocean. What, are we not human? No hard feelings, Tosha—make your guests feel welcome!”
Earlier that morning, Anton had returned home from a night shift feeling exhausted and broken. He worked as an EMT, and it had been a rough night. His wife was already at work; the kids were away at camp. After a hurried breakfast, he headed straight for bed. He was fast asleep in the silence of the apartment when a piercing ring at the doorbell jolted him awake.
The persistent ringing was like a bolt of lightning from a clear sky. Barely conscious, Anton stumbled toward the door. He threw it open without a second thought, not even wondering who it could be. He just wanted to deal with whoever it was and go back to sleep.
Standing on the threshold were Gennady and Tamara from Titovka, a village in the Saratov region where his wife’s entire extended family lived.
“You? But how…?” Anton stammered.
Still half-asleep, he yawned and rubbed his eyes. He half-expected the sight to be a hallucination or a continuation of a dream.
“What do you mean ‘how’? Come on, Tokha!” Gennady roared with laughter, clapping Anton on the shoulder with a heavy, powerful hand. “Why are you sawing logs at this hour? The whole country’s been up and moving for ages, and here you are being a lazy bones.”
“Hi. Yeah… it’s been a long night,” Anton muttered, the harsh reality of the situation finally setting in.
He realized the guests standing before him were very real and very energetic. It was too late to pretend no one was home.
“Come on, move it! Wake up! Help us get these bags inside!” Gennady commanded gruffly.
“Where’s Masha? At work?” Tamara asked, brushing past Anton and heading deeper into the apartment.
“At work. Where else would she be?” Anton replied, his tone less than polite.
“Look, we know you weren’t expecting us. We aren’t stupid. But! You’re just gonna have to put up with us. What can you do, Anton? What can you do?” Gennady said cynically. “We’re family, and that comes with obligations!”
As he spoke, he was already deftly unzipping his suitcase to pull out his house slippers.
“Put up with us?” Anton repeated, for some reason.
“Yes, you! I’m talking about you and Mashka. You, us—everyone! Today we’re visiting you, and tomorrow—who knows—maybe you’ll drop in on us at the village to escape the city grind.”
“We have plenty of people to stay with in Titovka; we wouldn’t need to bother you,” Anton replied frostily.
“Exactly! Now you’re talking, bro! But we don’t have anyone else here in Anapa. Just you guys! So, you’ll have to bear with us. It’s not like we’re going to a hotel, right? Especially since they’re all full anyway,” Gennady shouted.
“I don’t want to sound rude, but normal people plan their trips in advance and book hotels long before they travel,” Anton snapped.
He felt terrible; his head was throbbing from the lack of sleep, and his grim expression made his displeasure obvious.
“Listen, Tokha, what’s the deal? You act like you’re not happy to see us. All moody and grumpy. That’s no way to treat guests. Look, we’re already here. You can’t kick us out now. Put a smile on your face and try some optimism, my friend!”
“And how long are you staying?” the host asked, hope flickering in his voice.
“Oh, not long! Two days, maybe three,” Gennady said without a second thought.
“With suitcases that big? For two days? You’re lying,” Anton said, not buying it for a second. “The main thing is to get your foot in the door, and then you’ll see how it goes, right? Oh, you’re a crafty one, Gena.”
“Oh, you caught on? Good job, Antokha! Is that your move too?” the brassy relative laughed, seemingly delighted.
“No, I’ve never had the occasion. We try to live by the rules and our conscience.”
“Alright, enough small talk. Tell me, where can we dump our stuff? And figure out where Tomka and I are sleeping. Are we crashing on this couch here?” the guest asked businesslike. “Whatever, it’ll work. We’re only here to sleep. The rest of the time, the wife and I will be at the beach—swimming, tanning, having a blast.”
The uninvited but utterly confident guests began unpacking their bags, settling in for the long haul. Anton retreated to the kitchen and called his wife.
“What did you say? Repeat that!” Masha said, unable to believe her ears. “Genka and Tamarka showed up at our place? Unbelievable! The nerve! That sounds just like my brother—pushing his way through life like a bulldozer. They could have at least called or warned us. They could have acted like normal people. But what am I saying?”
“Listen, is our trip ruined now? We were supposed to go to the Nesmeyanovs’ cottage on Saturday. I already traded my shift. I asked Mikhalyuk to cover for me. I was so looking forward to relaxing and seeing friends, and now this…” Anton sighed into the phone. “Now I have to entertain your relatives.”
“No, you don’t! Not a chance! Don’t let them get to you. And why on earth should we change our plans because of them?” Masha declared firmly.
Unlike her husband, Masha was decisive and tough. She knew exactly what to do.
“Well, what choice do we have? We can’t exactly throw them out, can we?” Anton asked, bewildered.
“How long did they say they’re staying?” Maria clarified.
“They said two or three days. But their suitcases look like they’re here for two weeks. It’s obvious they’re lying.”
“Well, in three days, they’ll be moving out whether they like it or not. I believe in being a good host, but in a couple of days, they will not be in our apartment. They’ll be gone by the weekend. I promise you that!”
When Masha returned from work, she found her cousin and his wife sitting in the kitchen. The relatives were boisterously celebrating their arrival at the seaside.
They had stocked up significantly on beer and various kinds of salted fish. The kitchen was covered in fish scales and the thick stench of beer—that was the «welcome home» Masha received after a long day at the office.
“Oh, sis! Hey, Mashulya!” Gennady tried to hug her with hands that smelled like fish. She dodged him.
“Hi, hi. Celebrating, I see?” she replied coldly.
“Yeah, we decided to spend our vacation at the beach. We earned it, so to speak. So, we’re staying with you. You don’t mind, do you?” Gennady said smugly.
“Do we have a choice?”
“Alright, knock it off. Why don’t you sit with us, Mashenka? Have a beer, have some fish—there’s plenty. Tough day at work? For some reason, your Anton refused to have a drink with us,” Gennady noted, looking puzzled.
“Because we both have a lot of work to do before our actual vacation. And he has to be back at it tomorrow morning. But fine, I’ll sit with you for a bit. Just let me take a shower first. And you, Tamara—clean this up a little. It’s disgusting even sitting at this table,” Masha said reproachfully.
In reality, she had no desire to sit and drink beer with uninvited guests while listening to their drunken chatter. But Maria had a goal. And as they say, the end justifies the means.
She already knew how she was going to act to get these brazen relatives out of her apartment.
By the time she finished her shower, Tamara had actually tidied the kitchen, and the hostess was able to sit at a clean table. The conversation about their massive extended family had been going on for nearly an hour.
“Gen, do you remember Olya? You know, the one you asked to marry you back in tenth grade?” Maria asked suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere.
“Olya? Yeah, I remember. But when was that? We were kids; it’s been a hundred years,” Gennady replied carelessly, sipping his beer.
“Kids? Please. You’re forgetting a few things. You were still running after her even after she was married. Husband goes off on a work rotation, and my dear brother runs off to Olya,” she continued with a sly smile, glancing at Tamara. “Oh, you were quite the player!”
“Wait, what are you doing? Why bring this up now?” the guest said, starting to look nervous. “That’s all ancient history, and now you suddenly bring it up. What’s the point? Drop it, Mash!”
“The point, Gena, is that I ran into her recently. Your Olya. When I was visiting my mother. She and her husband split up—he kicked your ‘true love’ and her kid out onto the street. I felt so sorry for her. Tell me, Gen… is that kid yours? Maybe you’re the reason for their family drama?” Masha said with a wink.
“Are you crazy? You’re making things up! What does that have to do with me? That’s out of line! Masha, think about what you’re saying! I’ve been with Toma for five years. And you’re bringing up Olya? Why would you even go there?” Gennady was now seriously agitated.
“Alright, alright… I was just thinking out loud, just a little walk down memory lane,” Masha said dismissively.
But she had no intention of letting up. She knew perfectly well that Tamara, who had moved to the village from the city, knew next to nothing about her husband’s colorful past. This was the lever Masha decided to lean on.
“Oh, and do you remember my friend Angela?” the hostess continued, doing a convincing impression of being tipsy. “Gena, you absolutely broke her heart. That girl loved you so much! She suffered so much, poor thing—crying on my shoulder every night. She said she gave you everything, her whole soul. She would’ve died for you if you’d asked. She just wanted to be near you, to be loved. And you? Man, how could you?”
“And what did he do?” Tamara asked sharply, setting down her drink and snack.
“Gennady? He dumped her! As soon as that young teacher moved to the village, he dropped Angela like a hot potato. Switched right over to the new girl,” Masha shared eagerly with Gennady’s wife. “And that teacher was so young, so inexperienced. Fresh out of college.”
“And then what happened?” Tamara pressed. Her mood was no longer light or carefree.
“He charmed her. I mean, it’s Gena—of course he charmed her! He had that poor woman swooning in a single day. It turned into a massive scandal. That teacher eventually had to pack her bags and tuck tail out of Titovka.”
“Why? What happened?” Tamara looked like she was on the verge of tears.
“Masha, knock it off, I’m serious!” the guest snapped angrily. “You’ve really lost it. Why are you digging all this up? What is this, a ‘this is your life’ special?”
Gennady had noticed the look on his wife’s face, and he wasn’t enjoying the trip down memory lane one bit.
“No, Gena. Tamara should know what a legendary husband she has. She should know that women are ready to lay down their lives for him!” Masha continued, leaning into her role. “But I’ll tell you the rest about the teacher, Tamara. They ran her out of town for ‘immoral conduct.’ Yep. She was living openly with my brother here—this handsome devil—but had no intention of getting married. You can’t do that in a small village; people don’t take kindly to it. Gena, why didn’t you ever propose? She seemed like a catch—pretty, educated. Why wasn’t she wife material?”
“That’s it! Enough! We’re going to bed. We’re exhausted, it’s been a long day, and we’ve been traveling. We’ve had our fun, now it’s time to call it a night. Come on, Tamara, get up,” Gennady barked at his wife.
“Fine, if you’re tired, you’re tired. We can finish this talk tomorrow,” Masha said with a promising glint in her eye. “Tamara, don’t rush off to bed just yet. Clean up the kitchen and do the dishes first. I’m not scrubbing floors after you guys!”
Gennady’s disgruntled wife stayed behind to wash the dishes while Masha retreated to the bedroom. Without her primary audience—her brother—the performance was over for the night.
The next day, the guests didn’t show up at the apartment until late. They had spent the entire day at the beach.
“We ate at a café,” they announced to their hosts.
“Wonderful. Then we’ll just have some tea. I even bought a cake for the occasion,” Masha said, winking at Tamara.
“I won’t say no to cake; I have a sweet tooth,” Tamara replied.
“Me too. Go ahead and put the kettle on, sis,” Gennady agreed.
“How was the ocean? The beach?” Anton asked.
“Oh, it was just great! Everything was perfect,” Tamara shared. “And the fruit here is so juicy and ripe, not like back home. Gena absolutely loves it.”
“Oh, my brother loves it, you’re right! Remember that time you ate too many plums, Gena? You got so sick they had to put you in the hospital.”
“Really? He never told me about that,” his wife said, surprised.
“Of course he wouldn’t! What’s he going to tell you? How he seduced a married nurse named Zoey while he was in the ward?”
“Masha, again? Haven’t you had enough?” Gennady asked irritably. “Are you determined to recite my entire biography to Tamara? What for?”
“What? It’s not me, it’s you! You were just born that way—keeping the family on their toes with your antics until you were twenty-five. And you know what, Tamara? That Zoey actually left her husband. That’s what love does! She left her kids with her mother and went off the deep end with Gena. Where did you two go, Gena? To Moscow?”
Without waiting for an answer, she kept going.
“They went to Moscow to seek their fortune. Wanted a clean slate, a new place where nobody knew them. It was easy for him—he was just a young punk—but Zoey had two kids. They came back pretty fast, though. Funny how the love just dried up. And that’s the story! Poor Zoey is still alone to this day, raising her kids. Her parents help, but the husband never did. He moved away out of shame—just disappeared so he wouldn’t have to look people in the eye.”
“Gena, how could you? Is this true?” Tamara sat there, pale and slumped, her cake untouched.
“Masha’s lying! Why are you listening to her? She’s got a loose tongue and she’s just talking trash,” Gennady tried to laugh it off.
“I’m not lying, brother. And you know that better than anyone. I actually still have photos. I can show you, if you want, Tamara. I’ll go grab them, it’ll only take a second,” Masha offered.
“No! Absolutely not! That’s the last thing we need! What photos, Masha? Have you lost your mind?” Gennady glared at her with pure malice.
“I want to see them,” his wife insisted.
“It’s time for bed. Let’s go, move it!” he snapped, ushering Tamara out of the room.
When Masha returned home from work the following day, the uninvited guests and their luggage were gone.
“They’re out?” she exclaimed happily, looking at Anton.
“Yep. They said they found a ‘cozy and affordable’ room closer to the beach. They claimed the commute from our place to the water was too long,” Anton said with a grin. “You’re amazing, honey. I’m proud of you! Man, you really did a number on him. You shredded him!”
“And you, Anton, are not ‘amazing.’ Seriously! How many times have I told you? Look through the peephole before you open the door. People that pushy and brazen shouldn’t even be allowed over the threshold. Keep that in mind for the future. ‘Guests’ are the people we invite. Everyone else can take a hike. Got it?”
“Got it. I honestly don’t know how it happened.”
“Well, there you go. When you live by the ocean, you have to keep your guard up. Otherwise, your apartment turns into a train station and you spend all your time fending off hordes of uninvited relatives. And trust me, there’s plenty more where they came from. A whole busload, I’m sure.”
